“Its like a Friends episode, but someone is trying to murder all the friends.”

This week, I’m covering the new series Scream Queens by Ryan Murphy (famous for Glee and American Horror Story).  Technically Fox aired 2 episodes at once so I’ve already seen past the first episode, but I’m sticking to my guns and reviewing only the pilot.

This 15 episode series is a horror comedy that people have been describing as Mean Girls meets Scream.  I definitely agree with that label, although watching this pilot I immediately thought of Heathers, the 1989 cult classic featuring Winona Rider and Christian Slater.  In Heathers, the popular clique consist of three girls named Heather and they are the worst human beings.

All three of these devils are named Heather

In Scream Queens, Chanel has minions who follow her around her giant two story closet (that is straight from the movie Clueless) and she simply calls them Chanel #2, Chanel #3 and Chanel #5 because she refuses to learn their names.  (There’s a throwaway line about how Chanel #4 died last semester...or did she?)

Every move clique needs color coordination

There’s even a scene in both movies where people are buried up to their chin as a hazing ritual.

Winona Ryder part of Heathers croquet game

Deaf Taylor Swift in Kappa hazing

So Ryan Murphy: love him or hate him, everyone agrees he has a distinct voice.  Like in Glee, Scream Queens features his campy and sometimes random humor.  For those who love political correctness, you will wince throughout this entire episode.  You have to give him some credit though on casting; he represents every race, religion, creed and handicapable-ness (sure, that’s a word…).  But with this diverse menagerie, Murphy makes sure no one is safe from ridicule.  When it comes to being PC, my general rule is if it’s funny, it passes.  And that’s where I sometimes have issues with Ryan Murphy.  Hearing some of his “zingers” makes me think Murphy has a charade hat full of random words and a dartboard of different minorities and then puts the two together.  How else could he have written the line “all deaf people have halitosis”? 

The pilot begins with a bloody 1995 title card.  We know it’s the 90s instantly because of the hilarious wardrobe choices and the music - “Waterfalls is my jam!”  In classic “I didn’t know I was pregnant” style, a sorority sister has a baby in a bathtub.  One sister is legit freaked out and runs downstairs to let other sisters know.  She walks through the party with blood on her hands (a non-plussed sister asks “Ew, did you get your period or something?”)  Some sisters come up to the bathroom and call the pregnant girl “the worst Kappa pledge ever” and leave because their favorite song is on.  Freaked out sister stays, holding the baby, and when the other sisters return, it is revealed that the pregnant girl is dead.

Alright, I know this is a TV show, but already this beginning bugs me.  Why did no one call 911?  They had phones in 1995.  The one sister who seemed genuinely concerned should have called the hospital.  How hard would that have been?!

Jump to present day where within two minutes, Emma Roberts’ character (Chanel), the queen bee of Kappa Kappa Tau says about 25 horrible things, including referring to the sorority’s maid as White Mamie.  My boyfriend pointed out to me that this is an anti-Save the Cat moment.  There’s a well known screenwriting book called Save the Cat.  The titular idea is that you establish your hero as good by having them do something really nice at the beginning.  John Cleese, at the beginning of A Fish Called Wanda, brings his wife a cup of tea.  This simple gesture makes it clear to the audience that he’s a good guy, so we give him a pass when he starts sleeping with Jaime Lee Curtis later in the film.

Emma Roberts is a despicable character, a caricature of a Queen Bee Sorority Girl.  Having her spew endless barrage of verbal slams and non PC remarks is Scream Queens Anti-Save the Cat moment. 

Remember what I said about Cheers last week about how it was a simple concept and it showed us what the characters were, rather than tell us?  Yeah, Scream Queens does zero of that.  I was frantically writing notes to try to remember all the characters and key points in this pilot and then gave up halfway through.

Here’s the cast of characters:

- Chanel (Emma Roberts) - racist terrible person who loves pumpkin spice lattes

- Chanel #2 (Ariana Grande) - has one great scene I'll mention in a bit

- Chanel #3 (Carrie Fisher’s daughter - my friend pointed out to me that she wears earmuffs almost the whole episode - homage to her mom?)

Help me, delicious cocktail, you're my only hope!

- Chanel #5 - (Abagail Breslin) - she is inTENSE!  She is definitely the Gretchen Weiners of the group

She's learned new moves since Little Miss Sunshine

- Grace - the aptly named, sweet, blonde freshman,  who is super close to her dad.  Her deceased mom was in KKT, so Grace wants to join to feel connected to her.  I think we're supposed to like her?

- Jamie Less Curtis - the dean of the college.  In a scene post-coital with a student, she smokes a cigarette and she monologues about her divorce and how she hates KKT - this felt like an information dump, where she talks for a solid minute, because the writers need us to know this stuff for some reason

Jamie Lee is terrible at her job

- Chad - fraternity tool douche bag who occasionally sleeps with Emma Roberts

- Nick Jonas - fraternity brother who is in love with Chad

- Coffee Boy - a barista that Emma Roberts reams out and then Grace flirts with.  He’s also an investigative reporter…?  He’s 19, who is he reporting for?  We also find the same outfit that the killer wears in his wardrobe.  His excuse is that he's the school mascot... How many jobs does this kid have?!

- Keke Palmer - Grace’s roommate.  She is the token black person and I feel like she was asked to talk more “urban” which is industry code for talk like a stereotypical black person.  At one point she says “You’re dope.”  No one in the real world talks like that.

Kappa pledges - these are the names Emma Roberts gives them (I know they’re charming)

- Neckbrace (Lea Michele) - actually love her in this role, she’s super weird and nerdy.  I love the fact Lea Michele is no longer on top like she was in Glee.

- Candle vlogger

- Predatory Lez 

- Deaf Taylor Swift

L to R: Grace, Keke, Neckbrace, Candle vlogger, Predatory Lez, Deaf T Swift

So with all these characters, after one episode, I can tell you little to nothing about each of them.  I think, in a cop-out fashion, this show is going to throw a lot of questions at their viewers in order to seem intriguing and thrilling when really that’s a sign of putting no effort into the writing.

Within this episode, almost every character gives a significant, eerie look when alone, as if to suggest to the audience, I know/did something dark that I cannot say.  I understand it's a horror movie trope, but that didn't stop me from rolling my eyes every time it happened.

"Why do I have the killer's mask? Oh...well... our college mascot is the Red Devil?"

Also I believe the reason Fox showed the first two episodes at once is because the second episode has a much better ending.  The pilot ends with someone getting killed and then cut to black.  No intrigue at all.

The one shining moment of this pilot is when Chanel #2 comes face to face with the killer, someone in all red with a devil mask, and they proceed to text each other back and forth.  That scene made me laugh out loud.

And Nasim Pedrad is great!  She plays the National President of KKT who dresses like it’s 1995 and casually mentions that her therapist says a traumatic experience has trapped her in the past, causing her to dress this way.  I have to imagine this is going to come back later.  She has the hilarious line I used for the title of this blog entry.  

It's like a Friends episode...

Having seen the next episode already, I can say you can look forward to the always hilarious Niecy Nash (Reno 911) as the security guard hired to protect the Kappas as well as some great acting moments from Nick Jonas.  I know, I’m just as surprised as you are.

So overall I found Scream Queens to be an average pilot, but the second episode won me over with a big twist.  Would I recommend you watch it based solely off the pilot?  Probably not - there’s a lot of wonky missteps that made me go “huh?” throughout the episode.

Unfortunately as proven by my viewing of the season 2 premiere of How to Get Away with Murder, I’m a sucker for any type of mystery and will keep watching even as I’m yelling at the screen in frustration.

I give this pilot 5 out of 10 Pumpkin Spice Lattes

"Afternoon Everybody!"

Diane: “Yes, I can take a message.  You’re welcome” *hangs up the phone*

Sam: “Well?”

Diane “You’re a magnificent pagan beast.”

Sam: “Thank you.  What’s the message?”

That exchange is from the Cheers pilot between the ever famous Sam and Diane, played by Ted Danson and Shelley Long.  I had never seen a single episode of Cheers until this week, but the names of Sam and Diane have definitely reached me through my years of TV.  They are the epitome of sexual tension of a will they-won’t they, on again-off again couple.  Without them, we wouldn’t have Ross and Rachel from Friends or countless other romances that drove our favorite shows. 

Reviewing Cheers first seems like a no brainer.  When Top 10 lists come up about the Best Pilots of All Time, Cheers is almost always on that list.  Beginning TV writers are often told to watch this pilot so they can understand how to tackle this daunting format.

A pilot is essentially a sales pitch.  It has to establish location, story and believable, compelling characters in the simplest way possible and it needs to lay the groundwork for the potential episodes to come.  It must do all of this to convince both a network to buy the series and for audiences to stick around to watch it.  If we aren’t grabbed within one 22 minute pilot, why would we watch the following week?  (Or with the magic of Netflix, watch the next episode within 15 seconds of the last one ending?)

After hearing its praises sung over and over again, I was a little wary to watch it.  Would this 1982 pilot make a positive impression or would I just see the same tired old jokes some shows still try to use today?

Well let’s find out…

We open on the exterior shot of a bar, the name Cheers prominently displayed.  We head inside and see a tall thin man with an amazing head of hair setting up the bar.

That was my first note as I watched this pilot: Ted Danson has great hair.  From moment one, I was sold that Ted Danson was Sam ‘Mayday’ Malone.  His winning smile and devil may care delivery proves he’s perfectly cast as the slick womanizing bartender who used to pitch for the Red Sox. 

And then the theme song begins!  I have to say I miss good theme songs.  I still remember so many openings from my favorite 90s shows and now all we get are weird noises a la Lost or a song that repeats one word over and over (Two and a Half Men).  Again, I have often heard the Cheers theme referenced in other TV shows.  It’s that iconic!  The song is very catchy and I’ve caught myself humming the song a lot since I watched the pilot.  

Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name

And they’re always glad you came!

You wanna be where you can see

Our troubles are all the same

You wanna go where everybody knows your name!

As an avid TV fan, I’ve watched my fair share of multi-cam sitcoms.  For those unfamiliar, multi-cam refers to a show that is filmed with multiple cameras at once.  They are often used with sitcoms so they can film a scene in one or two takes in front of their live studio audience.  Any show you can think of that has 3 wall sets is probably a multi-cam: Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, Mike & Molly, etc.  

Many multi-cam shows follow certain joke writing formulas and premises.  I'm sure if you watch an episode of the Big Bang Theory you can sort of feel when a joke is going to come in.  Cheers certainly has the same feel, I was surprised at how often I smiled and enjoyed the jokes, even if they were similar to ones I'd heard before.  I credit my lack of actual out loud laughter to the fact that the multi-cam sitcom has been done so much over the last 30 years that what was once clever writing is now old hat.  But I appreciate the humor in the same way I can appreciate someone like Mel Brooks.  I watch History of the World Part I now and think “Wow these jokes feel a little old and overdone”, but then I remember that Mel Brooks was a fresh comic of his time, bringing new humor and joke styles to the forefront.  The reason the humor feels old is because everyone after Mel took from him and expanded on it.  Comedians like Mike Myers and Jim Carrey wouldn’t exist without him.

The same argument can be made for Cheers.  The writers wrote new jokes and premises for the time, sometimes even edgy.  I found out that Cheers actually won a GLAAD Media award for an episode in Season 1 about a fellow ball player of Sam’s who comes out of the closet.  Some of the bar regulars are afraid Cheers will become a gay bar and pressures Sam to make sure that doesn’t happen.  That plot may seem silly now, but for 1982 those writers were clearly taking some risks. 

What makes Cheers such a great pilot is that it establishes characters very well.  Diane arrives at Cheers with her new fiancé, who quickly leaves to get Diane's engagement ring from his ex-wife.  She is a newcomer, just like us, and thus is introduced to everyone in the bar one by one.  And while some key characteristics are told to us point blank, the biggest strength of this pilot is that it shows, rather than tells, us about a character. 

Diane introduces herself to Sam and then proceeds to make a bunch of literary references that completely go over Sam’s head.  Immediately it’s established that Diane is an intellectual snob and Sam is a man of simple mind, simple pleasures.

How will these two crazy kids ever make it work?

We soon meet Coach, who comes in complaining about the Patriots and how they got a new linebacker and how terrible that is.  Sam disagrees, claiming a good linebacker can turn a whole team around.  Coach instantly agrees with Sam’s opinion and two more times, another character convinces him to change his mind about the Patriots’ linebacker.  Probably the best line that characterizes him is:

 “Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?”

“That’s you, Coach.”

“Speaking”

George Wendt plays the lovable bar regular, Norm, who spends way too much time at bar and drinks too much.  When Norm enters, he says “Afternoon, everybody!”  And everyone in the bar yells “Norm!”  More than once during the pilot, Norm looks at his watch as if he’s debating whether he can stay and says “Maybe I’ll have one more drink…”  He stays until the bar closes for the night and Coach has to give him a ride home.

Fun Fact: George Wendt and John Ratzenberger both auditioned for the role of George, a one-liner role (“Beer!”).  George Wendt got the part and it evolved into Norm.  As Ratzenberger was leaving his audition, he asked the producers if they had a know-it-all character because “every bar has one.”  They liked the idea and Cliff Clavin was born.

Cliff Clavin is a mailman and bar know-it-all.  With his first line, he shares that women have less sweat glands than men, but women’s are larger and more active.  If you don’t recognize John Ratzenberger immediately, you may be surprised to learn that he has been a voice in every Pixar movie to date, probably his most memorable character being Hamm from the Toy Story movies.  I think it may be because his voice has spoken to me throughout my childhood that I love Cliff so much.  His sweet dulcet Boston accent just makes me smile.

To me, the stand out star of this show is Rhea Perlman.  She plays Carla, a waitress at Cheers.  For her first entrance, she throws open the door with her arms out.

“Okay I’m late!  

My kid was throwing up all over the place!  If you don’t buy that excuse, I’m quitting ‘cause I don’t work for a man who has no compassion for my children!  And it doesn’t look like you’re exactly swamped here!  I’m usually very punctual!  You don’t like it, that’s fine because this ain’t a great job to begin with!

I’m gonna change.”

My girl Rhea comes in strong and kills it!  I immediately know so much about her in 20 seconds and it’s love at first sight for me.  If they were casting Cheers now, I would want to play Carla.  She’s spunky, loud and not taking flack from anybody, not even her boss.

The pilot ends with Diane losing both her fiancé and her job.  Sam graciously offers her a waitressing position at the bar.  Diane literally laughs in his face at the suggestion, until it dawns on her that her life in literary academia has given her no real job skills.  She accepts the job and we end on her serving her first customers.

  

Overall, I really had fun watching Cheers.  I can see why people say it’s a great pilot.  It tells a clear story with compelling characters and I know what to expect in future episodes.  It’s a classic sitcom and while I didn’t laugh out loud, I enjoyed Cheers much better than any multi-cam sitcom that is currently airing. 

For my rating system, I’m going to borrow an idea from the Gilmore Guys podcast.  It will always be out of 10, but instead of stars it will change to relate the show I’m reviewing.  So for Cheers, I’m going to give it 9 out of 10 magnificent pagan beasts.  And I would definitely watch more episodes.  I’m a sucker for romantic tension and the potential for couples to get together!  The performances in this show really sell it for me — I want to see what happens next to these crazy crew of characters!

I may have, in fact, already watched the next half dozen episodes or so.  And I highly recommend you do as well.  It’s available on Netflix streaming.

Whew! I made it through my first review - let me know what you think and if you have suggestions for future pilots I should watch.

My Pilot Post

By the time I hit college, I started referring to myself as a professional TV marathoner.

I love TV.  Love it.  I devour it like Oreos slathered in peanut butter, one right after the other except I don’t experience the incredible heartburn and nausea that should immediately follow.  TV marathoning to me is a joy, a chance to work at a Pennsylvania mid-sized paper company or get stranded on a mysteriously magical island without ever leaving my cozy couch.

I laugh, I cry.  I cry A LOT actually.  A sappy series finale, a sudden death of a favorite character, or just a sweet, simple gesture that tugs at your heartstrings.  That’s all it takes to turn me into a blubbering wreck where I can barely wipe tears away so I can still watch the screen.

I not only love watching TV, I love talking about it as well.  There’s nothing better than bonding over an insane season finale and speculating on what will happen next.  Because I love these conversations so much, it has become a personal mission to not only watch whole completed series, but to watch all the new shows during pilot season. 

So with this superhero talent of mine to watch endless amounts of TV, how do I channel my power for the common good?  I should write a blog!

I mean you all definitely need more blogs to read, right…?  Especially about TV shows?

My blog idea will be slightly different from your average bear though.  

I plan to watch the pilot, and only the pilot, of a TV show and review it.  My review will ultimately decide whether I want to continue the series or move onto another pilot. 

So starting this coming week, I will review my first pilot of a TV show.  What will it be?  An old classic?  A cable drama?  Something streaming on Netflix?

You’ll have to check back same time next week to find out!